“There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do.” –Marianne Williamson
I wasn’t trying to be confident; I just kind of landed there through personal development work. My growth and expansion translated as confidence to others. The moment that I truly felt confident; however, was when a special coach named Shirzad Chamine led me through a visualization that reminded me who I was. Once I reconnected with the person I was born as, my identity changed. As a result, my energy and the way I was showing up changed, too. I became radiating confidence. I remembered who I was and whose I was. We are all born confident, and I will show you that in a sec, but first let’s review the external confidence tips that we all know and love.
Faux confidence
The “fake it ‘til you make it” approach can be somewhat effective until you go home and have to stop “faking” it. Then it’s just you and your Judge saboteur (https://www.positiveintelligence.com/assessments/). The Judge is that inner voice that tells you that you are unworthy, not good enough, and you will never be accepted. You know that voice, right?
Also, there’s a superior energy that comes from play confidence. If I’m prancing around like a queen, it can turn into looking down on others or feeling better/prettier than others. This superiority also comes from the Judge saboteur. Underneath all of that is still massive insecurity. Again, it may help you feel better about yourself, but it can’t offer true confidence.
You can do it…put your back into it
Great posture, powerful poses, and “head up butter cup” strategies can help you “feel” more confident- this is true. The body and the mind are super interconnected, so if you incorporate your body in the mix it can make you feel empowered and more confident. While this works, it is still an act and not true confidence in my opinion.
Imitation is the best form of flattery
Look to the person that you feel is the most confident and mimic them. Sure, I can channel my inner Beyoncé. I can try to wear my hair like her, dance like her, talk like her, walk like her, dress like her, sing like her (…yeah, who am I kidding- scratch that last one).
Studying someone else’s confidence is not showing up for yourself though. You don’t have the grace to be like anyone else, try as you might. Looking to people for inspiration and ideas is a wonderful thing when you hold who you are as person and stay within your authenticity. Trying to be like someone else is their confidence, not yours. It’s comparison that kills our creativity. It teaches us to play small. Also, and listen to me very closely on this one…there is a little child living in your subconscious mind that hears yet again they are not good enough, so they should be like someone else. On an subconscious level, it is self-rejection. Though this approach may help you feel more empowered temporarily, deep down you know it’s not you and not true for you.
What true confidence isn’t- an act. It’s a certainty!
To me, true confidence is showing up fully yourself and allowing yourself to be seen. True confidence is knowing that you are the only you there is or will ever be. True confidence is being kind to yourself, being your own friend, and having your own back. True confidence is meeting yourself with self-compassion and self-acceptance. True confidence is providing yourself the reassurance, validation, and love that we so often seek from others. True acceptance comes from meeting your own needs and not demanding that of others. True confidence is harmony with all aspects of yourself, or in other words when you establish a relationship with your inner child. It is an internal confidence that pours out into the world for all to see. It has nothing to do with anyone else, your accomplishments, success, or anything external. It’s a confidence in who you are as a person and what you feel you are capable of. Confidence is an inside job. You will become confident when you realize you were born confident.
The true confidence role models
When you were a child you were confident. Children exude confidence. We lose our confidence and all of those wonderful traits that make up our true essence when we start taking in outside information. We lose our confidence when the Judge saboteur starts assigning meanings to things that we experience as children. Let me unpack this for you. Lean in…this is good!
In the book Positive intelligence, Shirzad teaches us about our Sage. It lives in the regions of our right brain where that empathy, compassion, creativity, fascination, curiosity, meaning, purpose, and laser-focused action live. You know all the traits that make small children so radiant and loveable? Well, the reason why kids are so confident is because their Sages are front and center. They are full of love and joy. They aren’t self-conscious yet. They don’t become insecure until shame is introduced.
I remember when I was 7 years old. I learned through outside information that I had really dark skin. I remember at age 7 trying to add bleach to my bath water because “dark skin is a bad thing”. All of my insecurities were learned. I had to learn that my hair was nappy, that my teeth weren’t straight, that I was too hyper, and my personality was way too much. My 3 year old self owned every feature. She wasn’t worried about big lips, and if someone came at her in a way she didn’t like, she yelled “No!” real quick! Solid boundaries! I share all that to say this, you are already confident, and you don’t need me to give you a bunch of tips on how to appear more confident for other people’s approval. You don’t need that. What I will do, however, is help you remember who you were as a small child. It’s who you still are underneath all of the insecurities that don’t belong to you.
We radiate confidence as small children
Take a look at my baby picture. Doesn’t this picture make you want to smile? This is for 2 reasons. First, you see her light- her Sage. This is what makes her beautiful. Not her clothes, hair, teeth, or any superficial quality. You see “her”- her essence. The other reason is because of mirror neurons in the brain. Mirror neurons cause us to subconsciously mirror the brain of another, and in this case, the Sage brain. So basically you are reflecting her brain activation, where those positive emotions live. Hence that warm, fuzzy smile you get when you see this picture. This little girl is so confident. She isn’t in her head. She knows she’s loved, special, accepted, and she doesn’t have those weird limits that we put on ourselves. She just believes she can.
Getting back to confidence
Remembering who you are- Take a look at a childhood picture around the ages of 2-4 years old. Really look at the picture. See past whatever you don’t like about yourself in the picture or any hurtful memories that may come up. Just look at this child. See past the superficial to their light. What does this child love to do? Who does this child love? What matters the most to this kid? What makes them happy? What is fun for them? What makes this child so special? Come up with some adjectives to describe this child. You are light and love- you just are. Once you see that light, look in the mirror until you see the same light in you. It’s there. It never changed, and it never went away. If you find this insanely difficult even after weeks, consider hiring a coach.
Overcoming the Judge- One aspect of the Judge is the inner critic. The inner critic is not you; it’s the Judge. Make sure you differentiate this because once you do, the Judge is instantly weakened. Once the Judge isn’t kicking your butt all day and making you feel like crap, you will be less insecure. You aren’t actually insecure- that’s just the voice of the Judge and other people’s projections (aka other people’s Judges) that cause you to fear and doubt yourself. You weren’t born afraid. It’s the Judge that brings the resistance that lowers your confidence. When you hear that voice picking you apart, just STOP and say, “This is the Judge, not me. I love myself.” Or whatever does it for you.
Reclaiming your Sage- God didn’t give you a spirit of fear but power, love, and a sound mind. This is your Sage. Reclaiming your Sage is knowing that you are light and love, grateful, empathetic, compassionate, creative, joyful, action-oriented, passionate, etc. It’s about loving yourself even with your faults and imperfections. Shirzad always says we are all just a mixed bag of off-putting Saboteurs and beautiful Sage. Just like a bag of Skittles. Allow yourself to be an imperfect human and meet yourself with compassion and acceptance. Reclaiming your Sage is understanding that you were born worthy and that worthiness is your birthright. You don’t need to do anything or be anything to be worthy, you’ve always been worthy. Holding this truth connects you back to your confidence because you move from trying to knowing. This is that certainty that I was talking about. Make these your new affirmations. “I was born worthy. Worthiness is my birthright.” Write them down ten times each morning and each night until you truly have faith in these words. One helpful hint to connect to your Sage brain is by doing PQ reps. A PQ rep is when you focus on a physical sensation for 10 seconds. It can be rubbing two fingers together and focus on only that and not allowing your mind to wander for 10 seconds. (You could try focusing on your breath, what you are seeing, what you are tasting, or what you are hearing for ten seconds if that feels better.) Bonus points if you can get in over 30 of these in each day.
Self-awareness- Get to know and understand yourself. Research shows that when you become more self-aware, you become more confident. I believe this is because you get comfortable with yourself and begin to accept who you are. You could take some personality tests. I recommend the Saboteur Assessment (https://www.positiveintelligence.com/assessments/) to get familiar with some of your survival patterns from childhood. Tony Robbins’ Driving Force Quiz (https://core.tonyrobbins.com/driving-force-2) is also a great way to get familiar with yourself. My favorite is inner-child work, because there’s something powerful that happens when all aspects of who you are become in sync. Do whatever feels right for you to get to know yourself better and reconnect inward.
Self-love- This is about showing up for yourself and meeting your own need for love, acceptance, and validation instead of bending over backwards and doing tricks to get it from another. Man, I’ve done some pathetic stuff for love. There’s a higher way. Treat yourself to things, buy yourself gifts, say no, and exercise boundaries. Write yourself notes of how proud you are for killing the presentation, solving the problem, going to that spin class, and doing a good job. Praise yourself. Remind yourself that you’re a gem and there’s no one on the planet like you. You ain’t lying! There’s new research that giving yourself a high five in the mirror each morning stops the voice of the inner-critic (Judge saboteur). You can’t think you are unworthy while giving yourself a high five because the brain won’t allow it. Give yourself a hug- your brain doesn’t know the difference between you giving yourself a hug and someone else. Show up for yourself in the way you show up for everyone else in your life, accept compliments, and don’t downplay how amazing you are. That’s self-honoring and insanely confident! You deserve and need your admiration. It keeps your heart open and everyone sees; total transfer of energy.
Bringing it back to perspective- Don’t worry about what other people think. They are being beat up by their own Judges and projecting their crap onto others. Protect your energy and stay aligned to your Sage. This helps so that this kinda stuff won’t bother you as much. Also, we think everyone is looking at us and talking about us when studies show that 80% of anyone’s thoughts are about themselves. They are thinking about themselves, not you! Who cares anyway, because approval belongs to you. You are made in the image of God and in his likeness. Allow yourself to just be you. Give yourself permission to show up fully yourself, in your authenticity, and be seen. This is true confidence and others will be attracted to you. Your positivity will be mirrored in the brains of those who interact with you. Once you stop questioning yourself, others will too!
“You don’t have to look like everybody else. You don’t have to be a raving beauty to be special and to be beautiful.” -Dolly Parton
The lens that you see yourself through will determine your level of confidence. So, no I don’t look like Beyoncé- but I’m just as confident, special, and radiant and so are you! My name is Maria Antonay and these are my writings in the sand. Until next time!
I want to give a special thanks to fellow mental fitness coach, Sarah Gessel, and owner of Roundroot Life Coaching for all of your support! 🙂